I want a new journal name-- something deep and dusky, something that feels old, with a lot of history behind it. A name that feels like stepping into an expansive room piled from corner to corner with books, many old and dusty, but containing unfathomable knowledge. A name I will never tire of, in the same way that I will never lose my passion for reading. A name that resonates within me.

I feel alive today.

I'm bored. Not all that unusual when it comes to me, but still... I want to do something-- anything. Something crazy, or creative, or inspiring. Restless has become an almost constant state of mind and I want it to stop. I want to do things. I want to get excited (and stay that way). I can't drive and I have no money, but I don't want to let that stop me.

Inevitably, I find myself once again with a cigarette in hand, logging onto the ever-faithful livejournal to make my first post in (months?). Of course, a lot of things have changed since then. I'm going to try and get it all down here, for future reference. I'll leave out some of the more complicated details, since it would take too long to explain and I probably wouldn't do it all that well anyways.

1. I finally moved out of my mom's house. Lived with my best friend and her husband for a short while, before there was a big upheaval of sorts (one of those complicated things that I won't go into here). They separated and she moved back in with her mom, while I moved in with my dad. The two eventually got back together, but I'm still with my dad. I'm in a townhouse now with him, his girlfriend and my sister.

2. My mom's pregnancy is going pretty well, as far as I can tell. She has a C-section scheduled for July 20th. Her marriage is good, too, I think-- minus some arguments. Then again, I haven't been up there enough to have a completely accurate assessment of it.

3. I am still jobless, and now unenrolled from school because I was unable to get financial aid for the semester.

4. On the relationship front, there's been nothing new. I can't say that I am in any way disappointed by this fact. I still have too many problems concerning myself and where I am in life to add a boy/girlfriend to the mix.

With the exception of my new location, I suppose not very much has actually changed. Everything is a little overwhelming. I need to get a job, and my license. Pay back my financial aid. Figure out what I want to do with my life. I'm trying to stay happy, but I'm still struggling through most days. I want to change and I want to learn to be happy, but I don't know how to take the first step.

P.S. My dad finally decided to give me his old truck, a green Toyota Tacoma (unsure what year it is). I'm extremely pleased with the development and have dubbed her Everest. As soon as I get the chance, I want to go over and clean all the trash out and give her a bath. She needs a new wheel-bearing before I can drive her (and I need my license, first, too) but otherwise.. ♥

My mom's gone crazy it would seem, so I won't be on here much if at all.

Might resort to old-fashioned pen and paper while I'm laptop deprived. That way I'll have something to post when I manage to get back.

Hello, how are you doing?

This episode made me want to cry-- seriously. So much angst. And poor Merlin!

Also... am I the only one who immediately thought of the whole 'Lady of the Lake' aspect of the legend when Merlin set her afloat? I mean, c'mon: "I'll find a way to pay you back one day, I promise," or whatever, then she dies and Merlin does the whole funeral thing, what with setting the boat on fire and all that. Then there's the fact that the sword is in the lake and some legends (that I've heard of at least) hint at a romantic relationship between Merlin and the Lady.

Ahem. Anyways. My Arthur/Merlin fangirl side was pretty damn happy, despite the whole Merlin kissing a girl thing.. (bad Merlin! by the way.) 'Cause first Arthur comes to his rescue and then at the end, he actually shows concern! GASP! Unbelievable, right? Yeah, I'm a dork.

I also haven't been posting regularly at all, with the exception of my fandomish rants. Um, so yeah.. sorry about that. Life's been hectic.

P.S. Okay, I just found out that the episode is actually titled, "The Lady of the Lake." Wow. I feel like a complete dumbass (not unusual in the least) and I think I'm gonna go away now.

I am very, very embarrassed right now. Please disregard my last entry. Really. 

Okay, so I just finished watching the sixth episode of Merlin and.. oh my god. I think that last part was definitely my favorite out of all the episodes I've seen so far. And the next ep is the one with THE WITCHFINDER THAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR FOREVER! {bounces} Urgh. I'll have to wait a whole other week to watch it.


Seriously. Can you see why I adore that part?

Wow, so it's been way too long since I posted on here. Or done anything on here, really. Some updates then (or as much updating there can be when I have a distinct lack of a life).

1.) My mom's getting married again, around April 2010. First of all, I do think she's rushing things. I mean, they've only been dating for about five months now, at the most. She's going dress shopping today. I was going to go with her, but have decided I'll catch up on sleep, instead. I would have liked to go, but I'm too irritated to bother now. Petty, I know. But still--

2.) She spends every waking second that she isn't at work with him. And he seems like a nice enough guy, I'm not protesting that. But it would be nice if she paid me a little bit of attention that doesn't involve haranguing me about getting a job, or cleaning my room, et cetera. She pays a helluva lot more attention to Jess, and Devan when she comes up here. I'm her daughter, too. And yes, I'm jealous, and bitter and annoyed. I guess I should have warned you before that this is likely to become an immersion in self-pity.

3.) I'm going out of my mind being stuck in this damned house. That, I guess, is mostly my fault. It's not as if I've made an effort to do anything worthwhile. I still need to get a hold of an advisor to make an appointment so I can register for the spring semester. I've decided to quit worrying so much (the tiniest bit, at least) about what I'm going to be. I figure I'll take different classes and see if anything appeals to me.

4.) I've actually gotten more interested in space and technology and things lately, though I'm not sure if that's due to my recent obsession with the new Star Trek movie or not, haha. I'm such a geek. And I have a bad habit of being severely influenced by my fandoms, or books I've read. Though I think it's the idea of escape that appeals to me the most.

5.) ..I don't know. I'm tired and I'd like to go to sleep and forget the whole dress shopping thing. I'm also irriated at my mom, which never bodes well. At the same time, I'm sick of being stuck in this house. I should take any opportunity to get out. I don't know. Exhaustion versus stir-crazy... and the slight possibility of food? There's only so much ramen a person could take. I think exhaustion might win out; I can barely string a sentence together.

Maybe I'll have something worthwhile to post later. Doubtful.

my mind is full of images— sleeping in empty houses and breath clouding past our lips as it hits the cold air. huddling under blankets and relishing the heat that slowly makes its way through us; cozy. such immense pleasure taken from the simplest of things. smoking a cigarette, early, early in the morning, when the sun is just beginning to peak over the horizon and snow obscures the ground. hazy awakenings and being bathed in sunlight while you’re curled on top of the sheets. the brisk anticipation that the cold weather brings. the nostalgia of listening to music from earlier years and the melancholy of wishing things were still as simple as that.

So my brain feels like it's about to explode out of my skull from exhaustion-- I've stayed up too late again-- and I need something to eat. Then, I think I'll finish up this fic. Before I head out, I'll leave you with what I finally wrote down on paper. It sucks, to be sure, like all first drafts probably do. Writing it down was more of a way for me to get snippets of it down on paper (metaphorically speaking) so I don't up and forget it. I'm good at forgetting things. But anyways... here it is, in all it's unedited glory. I think this one will eventually make its way to actual story form.

A small warning: it's a bit gory, in a way. If you could call it that. Lots of mentions of blood. Oh, and also a complete lack of regard for grammer and and all that other important stuff that I ignore until I revise. I think I changed the tense of it a few times, as well, without meaning to. 


( On with it, then. )

The night is amazing. It's the type of night that I can't resist taking at least a short walk in. The air has the barest chill and it's windy. The moon is bright and illuminates the few clouds scattered across and I can see the stars decently, even with the orange glow of multiple streetlights dotting the sidewalks.

It's the perfect time to take a walk and smoke a cigarette while staring up at the sky.

Hey guys. So, I've got 10 dreamwidth codes, if any of you are interested. Just comment with your email and I'll send one to you. :)

So I'm worried about my littlest sister, as odd as that sounds (and as angry as she can make me the majority of the time). My mom is taking her to therapy today for various reasons. Our mom, her dad, and our mom's boyfriend, Jim, were all talking about it yesterday when my sister told me to "Come here," because she and her friend wanted to ask me a question. 'Lo and behold, I walk in and see her scratching at her arm with a nail.

Earlier, I had also found a lighter and an empty pack of cigarettes in her bag. Her friend claims that a girl they know had left them there and forgotten to take them back. Okay, I guess that that made some sense. Not that I believed them for a second, but I could give them the benefit of the doubt.

But this morning, I nicked four cigarettes from my mom. I only smoked one. When they woke up, my sister and her friend checked their myspace while I went to make a bowl of cereal. When I came back, one of the cigarettes was gone. I went to confront her about it, but my aunt (who was picking them up) came rushing out to wish me a happy birthday (which was pretty amusing in itself). So I snooped through her room instead. What are big sisters for if not to nose through their younger sibling's things? Anyways, I found a cigarette and lighter in her dresser drawer. Evidence, at last.

I'm really not sure what I can do about this. I don't think I want to tell my mom-- not just yet, at least. I think I'll talk to Jess about it first. If that doesn't work, maybe Devan (the middle daughter of the three of us) can help me bash talk some sense into her. Last resort is, of course, telling our mom.

It's just really frustrating because the last thing I wanted was to be an influence, on either of my sisters. I don't think I really have to worry about Devan because she's only two years younger than me and more of the mindset that involves "No way in hell would I want to be a loser like you." Lol. Jess is six years younger than me, though. I don't know what to do about it. In my experience, trying to talk to people about things doesn't do a damn thing, much less a stubborn-ass little sister who tries her best to infuriate everyone.

So considering I am alone at home, today has been the best birthday ever. I've spent the day singing along to awesome music and reading posts on My Life is Average. Then I went outside to check the mail and found that Roxie's gift had arrived-- right on time. Postal service ftw. Also, the weather is pretty much perfect. A little chilly, extremely windy, very sunny and all-together autumn-ish. I think life is on my side right now. <3

I have one cigarette left and I will enjoy it to the best of my abilities. After that, no more for me.

For the rest of the day (or most of it, hopefully) I plan on immersing myself in Merlin fanfiction and videos. I hope my mom doesn't mind the possibly fangirlish squealing. I'll try to keep it down. ;D Rox was wonderful enough to aid in increasing my slash collection. I am now the proud owner of volume 1-4 of Fake. My friends are the best. And despite the fact that I've recieved less presents this year than any of my previous birthdays, I'm still somehow happier.


P.S. I have decided on my Halloween costume. I am going to be a Muggle. Perfect. Disguise. Ever. <3

I actually wrote something in my notebook last night (or yesterday, early, early morning, as it were) but I don't think I'll post it right now. For one, it's about the first time I cut and I don't really feel like ruining the day with a start like that. I was also planning on going to bed but I need to write something.. or do something. I don't know. I'm feeling a bit restless. It's the same feeling that has a habit of keeping me up every other night. The 'I'm tired but I don't want to go to bed' emotion.

I wish I could write something more than just my thoughts; an actual story, something interesting. Everytime I try though, my mind goes blank. I've realized that for a writer, writer's block is reminiscent of forgetting how to breathe. It's like being lost. (Or maybe that's just me.) I really hope the words come back to me soon. I'll try to write some more in the morning.

On another note-- today's my birthday. I am officially 18, something which I've been dreading for almost the entirety of the year now. It doesn't help that it's an even number (I prefer odd). I was perfectly content with being 17 for the rest of my life. Today is also the day that I officially start on my Day Zero list. My birthday seemed like the perfect time. A new beginning, per say.

The remaining four cigarettes I have will be the last for at least the next 1001 days. Hopefully, I won't start up again once it's over. I'm not sure how it'll go. The goal has caused me more than a little bit of worry and anxiety over the past few days. I was on the verge of just taking it off my list. Smoking has, in part, helped keep me from cutting as often. It is also become the method I return to when I'm bored and I can't be certain that I'll even want to quit after a few days without the comfort. My dad said he would quit with me and that helps a little bit. Maybe I'll be able to find a new, healthier habit to occupy my time.

I want to be awake in the morning to watch the sun rise.

I'm in pain and I'm irritated, the reason for which I can't seem to pin down. Just all the little things adding up again, I suppose. Sometimes being a girl seems like the worst bane in existence. Tabitha is coming to pick me up, but I don't think I want to go. There's a nagging emotion of homesickness in my chest, despite the fact that I have been home for weeks now. I've started to realize that that sensation usually leans towards missing my mom than missing my home-- it wouldn't be a home without her, after all. That's what no one else understands. My dad's house is his house. I can't call it home because my mom isn't there.

I really wish she would spend some more time with us. The only reason I was inclined to say yes to Tabitha's offer of spending the night with her is because I really don't want to be by myself tomorrow night. Being left alone all night is one of the things I hate the most, maybe even the thing I hate the most. I'd like nothing more than to crawl back into bed and stay there for the entire weekend. But Tabitha will be here soon. Just another miserable day.

I've really been wanting to start a project lately-- a lot of projects, it seems. I will officially start my own Day Zero Project on my birthday; only three more days. And I will also, hopefully, be starting school around the same time. So I really shouldn't be taking on another project. I just can't help having the urge, though. I'd decided on a website slash blog type thing, the only problem is: What should I put in it?

Do you guys have some ideas? Is there anything specific you would be interested in seeing more of? I can't say I'll be able to incorporate any/all of your ideas, seeing as I am very sadly not multi-talented, but I would really appreciate any suggestions. :)

i know that, if i asked, you wouldn't come with me. you would call me childish and tell me that i should grow up. because you have. you grew out of your "abnormalities." but i can't stay here much longer. i don't give a damn about mature. i only know that if we stay, we'll become figments of ourselves, turning into husks that will turn into dust. might as well be dead.

i don't understand why you're standing so still. you aren't happy. even i can see that. i don't understand why you won't just reach out and take what you want. who gives a shit about what they think and what they want from you. i always thought you were the strong one. i always thought you would be the one who would leave without a second's hesitation, run far from all the hell they've given you. i guess first impressions never last.

don't get me wrong. i promise, i will try. it hurts me to think of you being left behind in this pressing suffocation of a town. but i can't try forever. i won't throw my life away, not even for you. i'm a selfish person and i want to be happy.

i want a friend who will run away with me, far from here. i want someone who won't despair, who will live in the moment, and help me to do it, too. i want someone who can see from my point of view, but still show me new perspectives. i want someone who won't get angry when we run out of cash and can't afford a hotel. when we need to get a part-time job in some godforsaken town in the middle of nowhere for a month or two. I want someone who can still see the magic when everything seems bleak.

and i want someone who won't give up, even though we both know we will have to eventually go back, if only for a little while. and i hope more than anything that you can be that person. you're my sister, y'know-- blood doesn't matter all that much. but i won't wait forever.

i won't wait forever.

This will be the placeholder for my 101 in 1001 list, which is still under construction.

And as a small reminder of something to add onto that list-- the day 365 project. I admit I wasn't interested at first, but now, I think I am. :) I am in a mood of infinite possibilities right now and am about to go to my room and drink strawberry wine while burning incense (this wonderful, if not bizarre idea actually popped into my head while perusing a random livejournal). See? You can find inspiration in all sorts of places.


( list under the cut )

Sometimes when I'm sitting at the computer with my headphones in, the music blocking out any noise, in the middle of the night, I give a sudden jolt as if someone's just touched me. And I have to look around, to check that there really isn't anyone there. But I still feel as if I am being watched and I still see sudden movements out of the corner of my eye, like the passing of a ghost, and I have to check to make sure my cat is sleeping nearby, just so I can feel secure in the knowledge that I am not the only living thing in the house.

Okay, so I blame the previous entry on an attempt at writing like some of the people who's own journal entries are always lovely and entertaining, if not a little bit sad, in combination with my own faint melancholy and need to purge an excess of thought.

On another note, this is my new journal. I happily decided on the name while half out of my mind last night on half a percocet and absolutely no sleep. Sad that those are the times when I'm at my best creatively. I feel like a sad replica of the great and misguided authors of the past. Except, rather than being strung out on drugs or alcohol (the percocet usually doesn't measure into the equation) I just stay up until I'm on the verge of passing out.

...I think it has pretty much the same effects as getting high.

And I am trying my best not to think of the people reading this because, if I do, I'll start to filter myself because I'm worrying too much about what all of you think and whether or not this or that makes me sound like a complete idiot. I bring the 'caring what other people think of you' to extremes. But the whole point of having an online journal is for the sake of anonymity and not having to worry about who reads this. After all, none of you know me in real life and it feels safer that way. So I'll be doing my best not to hold back my own thoughts for the sake of looking good-- as stupid as that sounds.

I think I'll post my 101 in 1001 list up here later. I've only got seventy-something thought up so far. One more I need to add is to post here at least once everyday. Might possibly change that to a more realistic 3-4 times a week. Hopefully things will be getting busier for me soon. I still need to register for school and figure out what classes I'm going to take. I've also started considering an editor as a career choice.

Erm. I'm really very good at rambling, especially at 3 in the morning. I apologize beforehand for the overly boring entries.

One more thing before I go. My story A Cigarette Affair hasn't been going all that great and I'll probably end up discontinuing it. I do, however, want to start working on Meeting November. I already have the first chapter written, but I think I'm going to scrap it and start all over again. Still not sure where I want Winterwood to go, so it will remain in idea mode until I get a bit more inspiration for it.

Sometimes I look around me, and I can see all of the sadness and the suffering. Sometimes, I think that this is what true loveliness is; the pain encased within each person's self. But then I wonder if this is only the delusion of a girl who clings to her own self-loathing because she is afraid of what will happen if she was brave enough to let it go. Would she lose herself, without the pain?

Sometimes, the hope and determination become so strong within me that I can feel myself lifted up and it's as if I'm taking a deep, sweet breath of air after being left down in the dark, struggling to breathe. These moments are short. Within minutes, or maybe a day, insecurity and doubt overcome me once again and grand dreams that seemed so possible only moments ago are tinged with the threat of impossible.

And sometimes, my logic (logic enforced by the older generation of the well-informed and better experienced) tells me that this despair isn't real. I am not suffering with depression, or anxiety. No, this is nothing but a phase. You are childish and if you would only be a little more responsible, and move past it, you could be happy. And the other half of my mind bogs me down and it's hard to believe that any of this could be "just a phase," because it's been here for so long and I can't imagine a life without this ache. Sometimes, I  feel that it is just a part of me, and nothing can cure it, and these are the most hopeless days of all.

Sometimes the words don't come out right. They form in my thoughts, pure and lovely, but somewhere during the path from my mind to the paper they turn into sludge and stutter across the page, uncertain.

Sometimes the smoke of a cigarette  and the scars on my arm are the only things that get me through the day.

So this is a dream I had a few weeks back, which doesn't make all that much sense, but I ended up writing about nine pages as soon as I woke up and figured I would post them here, in all their confusing and unedited glory. I only wrote down a piece of the dream and as a small clarification, the two boys didn't start out as Harry and Draco in my dream, buuut the consciousness is strange and they just sort of melded into place somewhere throughout. I don't think this will evolve into anything more than what it is now, but I still like it. In the same way I like all of my strange, convoluted dreams.

Also, a minor warning for homosexual content. Though there isn't really anything to be worried about, with the exception of one kiss, some insinuation and perverted thoughts.


( of curses and obsessions )